I’m only writing this now, this afternoon as I’m feeling human again: like I’ve got a little bit of my life back that I’ve not clapped eyes on for a while.
I’ve just read my last post Shopping Trolleys & the math of time is simple it made made me chuckle a little.. due to realising that a couple of months down the line I’m still dealing with the same old issues: I hadn’t been saying no enough.
This all happened sometime in early May:
I had gotten to the point where I had said yes to far far too many things and the reality was I just didn’t have the time to do it all. So with a gentle nudge from Karen, my mentor, I realised I couldn’t go on as I was and that things needed to change quickly: completely exhausted and most probably heading for some kind of burnout: I know what that looks and feels like, because I’ve been there before.
With some sound advice I proceeded to cancel a few things, I felt awful doing so: knowing that I was letting people down.
After cancelling the first (over) commitment I felt immediately better, I then cancelled another and felt better again and then finally I decided to leave scheduling the next Salon exhibition at the studio for at least 2-3 months.
Karen had also suggested that I find a meditation/visualisation video/soundtrack on youtube and start doing this daily when I felt things were just getting too much. It took a little searching to find the right thing: but when I did I proceeded to listened to it 4 times in a row: it immediately soothed my racing mind, my anxiety and eased the tension in my legs. I then listened to it regularly until I felt I could manage my too too busy life. And I’ve now got it saved so that I don’t get into that mess again. Maybe my selection of meditation won’t suit others, but on the off chance here it is:
I now plug in my headphones and relax.
I’ve just finished a stint of working 14 days, and we’re talking full on stuff: 6am in the morn until mid to late evening most days, that is crazy living and just down right stupid thinking: that’s what you call biting off more than you can chew. That’s without the commitments that I cancelled and no way to choose to live.
Today is my first day of a 7 days off stint from my council post: I’m a care worker in the community: sometimes a difficult job that involves seeing and dealing with the worst bits life throws at us humans. Yesterday I took off my uniform and flung it in the wash basket.. It felt bloody good to be honest. Today we’ve hung the next exhibition at the gallery and as we left I just suddenly felt like me again. My life had become a heaving mass of deadlines and work: and I mean heaving.
I think there are several things that made me take on far too much and I’m beginning to work them out. I have this thing with famine and feast: it seems that I have had months where there’s little or no work where money is scarce and I struggle to get by: then all of a sudden I seem to get a load of offers/bookings and because I’ve been so starving for money and for work I say yes to them all… not anymore
And then there’s this thing that’s suddenly appeared in my life with what seemed like no warning: the age thing. All of a sudden I felt a bit passed it, I’ve begun feeling tired and ache like I’ve not done before: my zing isn’t always there: it goes walk about on a frequent basis.
Amongst all of these goings on I’ve had fleeting moments where I’ve considered going back to a full time well paid job: luckily only fleeting, because I know it would kill me and I’d not see me zing ever again.